What the Hell is John McCain Thinking?

During an interview on KFYI-AM in Phoenix this Tuesday, Senator John McCain said he is considering another run for the presidency.  McCain said, "I'm seriously thinking about maybe giving another opportunity for you to vote for or against me in a few years from now…I’m seriously giving that a lot of thought.”

Well, John, let me be the first to ask, what the hell are you thinking?  Do you realize that you will be 80 years old in 2016?  Do you realize that you were demolished in the 2008 Presidential election?  You were so far down in the polls you, in a moment of desperation, chose Sarah Palin to be your running mate! 

I will admit, much has changed since 2008.  The progress out of the “Great Recession” which began in the final months of Bush’s presidency has not been pretty.  The Department of Labor announced only 148,000 jobs were added to the economy in September, good for a 50,000 job decrease from August and 184,000 less than the 2013 high point in February.

The whole “hope” and “change” thing President Barack Obama campaigned on en route to victory hasn’t really panned out either.  Our Nobel Laureate had done so much to end partisan gridlock that our government took a 17 day vacation was shut down for 17 days.  Even though bin Laden was killed and al-Qaeda is certainly on the run, the real foreign policy/national security issues today aren’t pretty.  In response to Syria crossing a “red line” by using chemical weapons and killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, Russia swooped in a brokered a peace agreement.  In response to international criticism on our drone and indefinite detention policies, we have done… basically nothing. 

Perhaps the U.S. does need the original maverick in the Oval Office.  If nothing else, the GOP could definitely use a senile sensible, bipartisan curmudgeon candidate to even out the 2015-16 primary races.  Let’s take a quick glance at some of the 2016 GOP hopefuls:

Ted Cruz – A Tea Party darling who almost single-handedly shut down the government.  This first-term Texas Senator has had his eyes on 2016 since his first day in office.  Is also a OJ Simpson-like narcissist.  The Washington Post published a fantastic article on Cruz today.

Scott Walker – The current governor of Wisconsin who refused to let his state employees collectively bargain for their benefits.  Also a Tea Party favorite who would at least bring some executive experience to the table.

Rick Santorum – Did you know Santorum lost his 2006 Pennsylvania Senate reelection bid by 17 points (58.6% - 41.3%).  His loss was the largest margin of victory by an incumbent in the 2006 elections.  Inexplicably, this far right wing conservative won the Iowa caucuses and was runner-up to Mitt Romney in 2012.  He also wants to ban internet porn.

Marco Rubio – A fairly good looking, young freshman senator from Florida.  Cuban parents, articulate, and kept his head down during Shutdown 2013.  Seems like a reasonable candidate.  Also did this.

Rand Paul – Son of perpetual candidate Ron Paul.  Little P (as we call him now) filibustered the Senate to draw attention to Obama’s drone program, specifically civilian surveillance.  He maintains his dad’s civil libertarian streak, but seems to be a more astute national politician.  The down side is that he is a Dook nerd and will probably piss off every Republican before it’s all said and done.

Rick Perry – Yep, ole Rick has decided to end his reign as Texas governor to focus on his future.  I’m assuming his decision is little more than smoke and mirrors to distract the public while The Governor learns how to memorize very short lists so this doesn’t happen again.  Rick, please run.  I want your buffoonery back in my life.

You know, on second thought, maybe John McCain should run for president.  At least we know what we are getting.  Plus, if Hillary runs, maybe we can get them to agree to have a nationally televised debate at a K&W Cafeteria.

Wait….what?  Oh crap.  Sorry, John.  I completely forgot about Chris Christie.  Two term Republican governor of a liberal state?  Check.  Can speak conservative, but is becoming increasingly moderate?  Check.  Just flipped on gay marriage so he has a chance to pull socially-liberal moderates?  You bet.  Was once fat, but is now just normally obese?  Bingo.  Christie should do just fine for people who want to vote for someone “just like me.” Savvy politician?  A real American hero? (I might be pushing it now) A maverick?  Yep, all of the above.  Sorry, John.  You have no shot against Christie.  What the hell are you thinking?