The Honest and True NFL Power Rankings, Week 9

Happy almost-Halloween! We have reached the halfway point in the NFL season. It has been said that the first 8 weeks are the preseason and the second half is where things really happen. Just survive, hang around, and then play well when it really counts. With that said, here are the week 9 power rankings:

My methodology is simple: as things currently stand, according to the infallible “eye test,” what team would win a seven game series (ridiculous proposition in the NFL) against the next team. Who is actually the best?

Also, when is the last time anybody has seen a movie in theaters? For me, it’s been since the summer. I blame grad school. At the rate I am going, the next movie I will see will be Anchorman 2, which hits theaters December 20. In honor of that, the power rankings are tiered based on the top 3 Will Ferrell movies.

The Frank the Tank Division (12 most playoff-worthy teams): 

1.    Denver (7-1) – (LW: 1) This team embodies the house party in Old School with Snoop Dogg. Great but flawed.

2.    New Orleans (6-1) – (LW: 4) Comfortable win over a solid Buffalo team, with Sproles contributing as much to the victory as I did.

3.    Indianapolis (5-2) – (LW: 2) On bye this week.

4.    San Francisco (6-2) – (LW: 6) Playing old school football, with the best rushing attack in the league and dominating defense.

5.    Cincinnati (6-2) – (LW: 8) Okay I’m a believer. Blowout wins go a long ways on the Honest and True NFL Power Rankings. Is Marvin Jones a one hit wonder?

6.    Kansas City (8-0) – (LW: 5) Just not buying into the close wins over bad teams.

7.    Green Bay (5-2) – (LW: 7) No healthy receivers, no problem. Good to see Jermichael Finley on the mend from ICU. Also, good first-hand account by Finley on SI, which reminds us that these guys aren’t merely expendable gladiators.

8.    Seattle (7-1) – (LW: 3) Gotta think a few losses are coming their way with how clueless the offense looked on Monday night when it amassed a grand total of 135 yards.

9.    Detroit (5-3) –(LW: 11) Can't say enough about this team/game. Megatron had a nice receiving month in three hours last Sunday. Is there something in the water in Detroit? What was so cool is that nobody in the stadium knew that Matthew “the doughy bro” Stafford was sneaking instead of spiking except him.

10. Carolina (4-3) – (LW: 12) The new trendy darkhorse in the NFL. Everyone is saying what Panthers fans have been prematurely saying for two seasons. I vow to drop out of school and travel with the team if they win their next 3 games in a row.

11. New England (6-2) – (LW: 11) Tom Brady looks like a much more attractive Jimmy Clausen. I have him in my money league and he is almost single-handedly destroying my chances of winning.

12. Dallas (4-4) – (LW: 9) As Bald Don't Lie went to press, Dez was still running his mouth on the sideline. This team is like being the tallest midget, and they will win the NFC East.

Ron Burgundy Division:

13. San Diego (4-3) – (LW: 13) How fitting that San Diego is the first team in the Ron Burgundy division. This team will get to 5-3 before hitting the meat of the schedule. Also had a bye this week.
14. Arizona (4-4) –  (LW: 16) My brother and I argued for a solid 20 minutes about this team. Sneaky good team.

15. Miami (3-4) – (LW: 23) I mistakenly underrated this team badly last week. For some reason I thought Tannehill was hurt. We bloggers are human.

16. NY Jets (4-4) – (LW: 14) Oh lawd. Here is the Geno most thought that we would see in the NFL. 

17. Buffalo (3-5) – (LW: 17) No shame in getting whipped in the Superdome.

18. Houston (2-5) – (LW: 28) Bye week to clear their heads.

19. Chicago (4-3) – (LW: 19) Good to have one of their bye weeks while Cutler is recovering. Again, this ranking reflects the Bears with McCown as the starter.

20. Baltimore (3-4) – (LW: 21) Bye.

21. Washington (2-5) – (LW: 24) “Well that escalated quickly.” – Redskins after surrendering 31 points in the 4^th quarter to Denver. Good toughness through most of the game though.
22. Oakland (3-4) – (LW: 27) Somehow Terrelle Pryor has become a competent NFL quarterback, which is more than the Raiders have been able to say for a long time. That 93 yard run was huge. Also, their D coordinator apparently forgot that he wasn’t sitting in traffic but was at a televised NFL football game.

Ricky Bobby Division:

23. Atlanta (2-5) – (LW: 15) Shake and BREAK. As in Roddy and Julio’s appendages. Gotta wonder if the injuries overshadow bigger problems on the team like their defense.

24. Pittsburgh (2-5) – (LW: 20) How slow did Polamalu look trying to run down Terrelle Pryor on the long TD run? He looked so old.

25. Cleveland (3-5) – (LW: 25) Nobody cares about this boring team, so I’m not going to write anything on them.

26. Tennessee (3-4) – (LW: 22) Bye. [See Cleveland]

27. NY Giants (2-6) – (LW: 31) 2 games out of the NFC East? LOLZ… Can they pull the most Giants thing ever and win the division? Can’t see it happening with already having 6 losses.

28. St. Louis (3-4) –(LW: 30) Tough sledding without Bradford. I like the toughness against the Seahawks, but despite the emergence of Zac Stacy, I have as many rushing touchdowns this season as the Rams do.

29. Philadelphia (3-5) – (LW: 18) Badly overrated on BDL last week, and things have really slowed down for this team in Philly. In other news, Mike Vick is hurt again.

30. Minnesota (1-6) – (LW: 26) Josh Freeman’s Monday night game last week was egregious. Here’s my theory that has little factual basis:

a)   Management in Minnesota feels the need to make a move and picks up Freeman and then tells Leslie Frazier that he must play.

b)   He lays the egg of all eggs on Monday night, looks confused, doesn’t know the playbook or audibles, and is on the whole exasperated. This is the NFL: you don’t just learn the playbook in a few days.

c)    Management has an “oh $#!@” moment and doesn’t want to appear wishy-washy when they bench Freeman for Ponder (who two weeks ago was in the doghouse), so they say that Freeman has a concussion and cannot play.

d)   They lose the following week under Ponder, and the Vikes are still a terrible team.

31. Tampa Bay (0-7) – (LW: 29) I'm sure the Tampa Bay locker room would take MRSA over Schiano at this point. The (pirate) ship is sinking. The Bucs appear close to a mutiny. Time to make Schiano walk the plank.

32. Jacksonville (0-8) – (LW: 32) I refuse to watch them. I'm assuming they're as bad as they have been all year. Sure, put this crappy team out in London.