The Honest and True NFL Power Rankings, Week 8

I have a small beef with ESPN’s NFL Power Rankings: they have deviated from their original purpose and operate as any normal ranking would. But really, I remember the inception of the power rankings, this beautiful, innovative approach to team evaluation. It has since devolved into utter garbage. Last week in week 7 they very unimaginatively had Denver ranked number one and Kansas City ranked two. This week they’ll have Kansas City ranked as the best team in the NFL, simply because they have an unbeaten record. What analysis. Does anyone actually believe that Alex Smith and the mighty Kansas City Chiefs would beat Denver in a seven game series? Come on.

Thankfully, there is a relief from this journalistic catastrophe: “The True NFL Power Rankings”. My methodology is simple: as things currently stand, what team would win a seven game series (ridiculous proposition in the NFL) against the next team. Who is actually the best?

1)         Denver (6-1) – One standout performance by Robert Mathis doesn’t change how I, or anybody else, should feel about this team. Weird night with tons of penalties and crazy turnovers is an anomaly.

2)         Indianapolis (5-2) – Very impressive win on Sunday night, but you get the feeling this team is still a year or two away from Super Bowl favorites.

3)         Seattle (6-1) – So complete on both sides of the ball, but have been the beneficiary of winning close and loseable games. Not bad when your quarterback is donning cable-knit sweaters in September.

4)         New Orleans (5-1)

5)         Kansas City (7-0) – Seems like pyrite. AKA fool’s gold. Prove me wrong. But seriously how has their schedule been so soft. NOT-SO-BOLD PREDICTION: they win 5 of their last 9 for a 12-4 record, and lost in the first round.

6)         San Francisco (5-2)

7)         Green Bay (4-2)

8)         Cincinnati (5-2)

9)         Dallas (4-3)

10)     New England (5-2) – Baby got back. Baby got a donk. Baby got a Gronk. Baby got Gronk back. Brady got Gronk back. I apologize for the fact that I have never been much of a typist. Yes, Brady got Gronk back, and they still lost.

11)     Detroit (4-3)

12)     Carolina (3-3) – I want to put them higher because I think they are very good, but I don’t trust myself. I know I am emotional after two big wins and Steve Smith’s rant about some no-name, Janoris Jenkins. I will be listening to this before every subsequent flag football game for the rest of my life. And then doing this to anyone who stands in my way.

13)     San Diego (4-3) – I’m probably overrating Phil Rivers. GO PACK! But the so-called “checkdown machine” is actually second in the league in passing yards, first in completion percentage, and second in quarterback rating. Not too shabby for someone that is unequivocally washed up.

14)      New York Jets (4-3) – Let’s not get overly emotional about a win over a lacking New England team.  This team lost to Pittsburgh last week and will probably have it handed to them in the next two weeks. And most importantly, #GenotheGenie only gets three wishes, and one of those was to beat Tom Brady. Really think that nickname has serious potential.

I feel like there is a severe drop-off from the above teams to the rest.

15)     Atlanta (2-4) – Killer injuries.

16)     Arizona (3-4)

17)     Buffalo (3-4)

18)     Philadelphia (3-4)

19)     Chicago (4-3) – I’ve always thought Jay Cutler was underappreciated, but we see his value as the entire city of Chicago collectively held their breath about the status of that MRI. The Bears’ playoff hopes go the way that Cutler’s groin went: torn to shreds. This ranking is the Bears team as they stand today with Josh McCown as QB.

20)     Pittsburgh (2-4) – Really don’t think this team is all that bad, have a good passing game and decent defense, even though it isn’t the neo-Steel Curtain we grew accustomed to.

21)     Baltimore (3-4) – This season’s definition of mediocrity.

22)     Tennessee (3-4) – Read something that Ryan Fitzpatrick’s QBR is second lowest in the league (too lazy to fact check).

23)     Miami (3-3) – This team is in near free-fall.

24)     Washington (2-4)

25)     Cleveland (3-4)

26)     Minnesota (1-4) – Worst Monday Night Football game everrrrrrrr!!!!! But really, it is statistically the worst MNF game this far into the season in the history of MNF. I will watch for the sheer enjoyment of how far the broadcast crew has to dig to provide some modicum of excitement for this game.

27)     Oakland (2-4)

28)     Houston (2-5) – Part of my algorithm for these rankings is whether fans cheer the injury of your own quarterback, who has lead you to multiple playoff births. Has American professional football become the modern day equivalent of the Roman Coliseum? Have we become so desensitized??? HAS OUR CULTURE DEGENRATED TO UNREACHED LEVELS OF DEPRAVITY?

29)     Tampa Bay (0-6) – I mean, Mike Glennon was pretty decent in college.

30)     St. Louis (3-4) – Bradford gone, and the rest of the guys resorting to throwing punches. Count them out.

31)     NY Giants (0-6) – Big chance to get their first win against a team with four backup quarterbacks.

32)     Jacksonville (0-7) – At least they would beat Alabama… maybe.

Forthcoming: “Why the Panthers will make the playoffs” and “Week 10 Power Rankings”.